In Retrospect...

Sometimes I feel like continued education is such a waste of life. After all that is the only thing I have done... study... for 19 out of my 25 years of life. I study so that I may find a job with a nice salary at the end of the tunnel that may allow me to live out my true passion... travel. I find myself fortunate enough to say that even though I have lived a mere quarter century I have already commenced to live out my dreams of international experience. I have seen the view of Paris atop the Eiffel Tower, taken class in the Complutense University of Madrid in Spain (one of the oldest universities in the world,) enjoyed a kiss in the Piazza San Marco in Venice, drank a beer in a pub in London, heard the rushing waters of the Niagara Falls, taken a picture holding up the leaning tower of Pisa, eaten chocolate in Switzerland, seen the roof of the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican City, had a night out in New York City, felt the hot sun of Miami, experienced the clear waters of the British and American Virgin Islands... in short I have walked the streets of Barcelona, Valencia, Toledo, Madrid, London, Paris, Venice, Rome, Florence, Perugia, Liechtenstein, Vienna, Zurich, Ontario, Boston, New York, and Miami. There is so much left to see, taste, touch, smell and hear! Its a big world for a girl from a small tropical island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean...

Well Im back from my trip, it was short but sweet. It gave me time to get my mind off things and just enjoy life. I had been to the city as a child but now I truly got the big picture. May I add that I hate American Airlines... They lost my luggage so the first day I had to buy the essentials and clothes for the night on the town. A friend of mine from high school who lives in the city took us to the village at night for drinks. He's a graphic designer for Mark Ecko for Ecko unltd. Obviously in the city to gain experience in his craft but I couldn't help to notice that he didn't seem very happy. "I miss the island, its too cold up here and Im turning white, I need some sun" He seemed happy to have some puertorrican company. Now I know some people will say, "why? there's like a million Puertorricans in NY" To which I will (very politically incorrect) respond no there aren't, there are like a million Nuyoricans up there. Believe me its not the same at all. We have different cultures, raised in very different realities. Now I'm not trashing them or anything, I'm just stating that we behave and express ourselves differently. On the island people cringe when they see the Puerto Rican day parade, our flag being tossed about as a "fashion statement" knowing that to people that don't even know where the island is, well this will be their point of reference... Now just because I don't wear my flag on a t-shirt that is two sizes too small doesn't mean I'm not proud of my heritage. People on the island are friendly, contrary to popular belief most speak english as well as spanish, we have a high rate of people who continue their education after high school, and very low illiteracy rate. We have good fashion sense as well :P Luis Vuitton, Gucci and Channel all have stores here for a reason (Our mall is the biggest in the Caribbean and you won't find any flag shirts there) 

So even though Im supposed to be on a diet before my NYC trip, last night I found myself in Condado at 11:00 pm eating at Danny's International Pizzeria. We sat outside enjoying the salty sea air, Sebastian, our waiter, brought us our menu's. They have like 50 different types of pizza plus you can combine ingredients to make your own and Im not talking just about adding any old ham (prosciutto to be exact) ;) So I order a Cosmopolitan (they have a great bar and I feel like getting in a New York mood early) while I browse through pages of the menu, looking at all my options. I look up at my date and ask "so what are you in the mood for" to which he replies "how about cheese?" If I wanted a fucking cheese pizza I could of just ordered some damn Dominoes!!! (I didn't say that out loud of course) I looked up and said "you know I have never tried anchovies before and number 49 looks interesting." It had mozzarella, I think, basil, ham, sun dried tomatoes and anchovies. I asked if he like anchovies to which he responded "the only thing I know about anchovies is that the ninja turtles despised them." Ok so anchovies it is! I ordered, half a 49 and a 46 which was more of a safety yet it had spinach and other stuff that is not just cheese.

Many things have happened in the past two weeks, and it's not that I'm the type of person that runs away when things get tough, but with my 25th birthday coming up I have decided that the best present for myself is to get away. I live to travel, I find that in getting lost in a new city I often find myself and there's nothing like coming home with a new perspective. So next weekend I'm heading off to New York City with a close friend who is also in a rut these days. I had been there once before but when I was a kid and New York just seems more like a grown up kind of city. So I'm very excited to once again get on a plane and see the island from god knows how many miles up in the sky... I'll let you all know how it went ;)

There is a moment in your life when you realize that not everyone is like you. There are people who lie, cheat and steal, and just because you’re not like that doesn’t mean that the all so pleasant being in front of you isn’t. Trust… when you’re a child you’re as open as a book. Your life is what you have experienced up until then. If pain is not part of the equation then it’s not taken in to consideration. You take risks only because you’re still unaware of the pain that may ensue. Through trial and error we eventually become cautious, and because human beings fear pain more than the chance of opportunity, you become painfully aware that many of the decisions you make could lead to some sort of pain, be it physical or emotional. The risks all of the sudden become to high and so does the price to we pay. But if we do really learn through trial and error, won’t the errors eventually rise to wellbeing? My mother used to have a pillow that said “Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” So will the errors in our lives eventually lead up to a fuller appreciation of what we have, what we’ve done and what we have gone through? Or will we be so blinded by the error of our ways that regret takes over the triumph of experiencing enough to know?  

Why is it so fucking hard to sit down and study. Every time I know I have to I magically come up with at least a dozen other things I have to do before I sit down. I even rather clean my whole apartment!!! When I do sit down to read about the wonders of marketing or god forbid quantum statistics, my mind wanders off after fifteen minutes, my bladder acts up, all of the sudden I'm hungry again ext. I wonder if I have some sort of adult A.D.D. or if its just (once again) my wholesome lack of discipline trying to do me in. I really want to get good grades, all of my life I feel I have been somewhat mediocre, settling for "just good enough" instead of my "personal best". I want to graduate in a year and leave this damn island for a while.

So I'm on spring break and really have nothing to do. Every day I spend more and more time with JZ and Im really starting to feel something here. But apparently a bit slower than him because yesterday he told me that he thinks he's falling in love with me and then he added he knew that sounded cheesy. (too many "he's" in that sentence) ANYWAY I have to admit I kind of freaked out. My last boyfriend ended the whole thing because he said I was a "commitment phobe. " At first when I freaked out his words echoed in my head. Could it be true? Do I have a problem with the thought of a serious relationship? Or maybe was it the fact that he wanted to get married when we had nothing in common and he drove me crazy.... After talking to my best friend she reassured me that my response was common, I was just caught off-guard and that maybe I was just taking things a bit slower that JZ. I saw him again today, and I really do like him. Im just having a harder time letting my guard down than him which is seemingly making him feel more vulnerable, he told me he feels he is exposing too much. I don't want him back off, it took allot for him to get to this point, but I don't feel ready to expose myself completely either. Lets just see what happens...

Right now I'm sitting around watching "friends" postponing my power yoga... I could also be catching up on my organizational theory class that I have at 6:00 pm... Discipline is something I crave, something I need. I admire those people that can wake up and do everything they had set out to do that day. I want to be one of those people! So last week I quit smoking and at least I have been able to keep that up. Yoga... not so much. Going to class everyday either. Yesterday I stayed home to relax and be by myself for a bit. JZ kind of drilled me for that one, calling it irresponsible. He's right. I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE.