Posts (page 2)

Sitting My Ass Down

Mar 21, 2008
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Why is it so fucking hard to sit down and study. Every time I know I have to I magically come up with at least a dozen other things I have to do before I sit down. I even rather clean my whole apartment!!! When I do sit down to read about the wonders of marketing or god forbid quantum statistics, my mind wanders off after fifteen minutes, my bladder acts up, all of the sudden I'm hungry again ext. I wonder if I have some sort of adult A.D.D. or if its just (once again) my wholesome lack of discipline trying to do me in. I really want to get good grades, all of my life I feel I have been somewhat mediocre, settling for "just good enough" instead of my "personal best". I want to graduate in a year and leave this damn island for a while.

The commitment phobe

Mar 18, 2008
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So I'm on spring break and really have nothing to do. Every day I spend more and more time with JZ and Im really starting to feel something here. But apparently a bit slower than him because yesterday he told me that he thinks he's falling in love with me and then he added he knew that sounded cheesy. (too many "he's" in that sentence) ANYWAY I have to admit I kind of freaked out. My last boyfriend ended the whole thing because he said I was a "commitment phobe. " At first when I freaked out his words echoed in my head. Could it be true? Do I have a problem with the thought of a serious relationship? Or maybe was it the fact that he wanted to get married when we had nothing in common and he drove me crazy.... After talking to my best friend she reassured me that my response was common, I was just caught off-guard and that maybe I was just taking things a bit slower that JZ. I saw him again today, and I really do like him. Im just having a harder time letting my guard down than him which is seemingly making him feel more vulnerable, he told me he feels he is exposing too much. I don't want him back off, it took allot for him to get to this point, but I don't feel ready to expose myself completely either. Lets just see what happens...

Discipline

Mar 12, 2008
3 comments

Right now I'm sitting around watching "friends" postponing my power yoga... I could also be catching up on my organizational theory class that I have at 6:00 pm... Discipline is something I crave, something I need. I admire those people that can wake up and do everything they had set out to do that day. I want to be one of those people! So last week I quit smoking and at least I have been able to keep that up. Yoga... not so much. Going to class everyday either. Yesterday I stayed home to relax and be by myself for a bit. JZ kind of drilled me for that one, calling it irresponsible. He's right. I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE.

The pool shark

Mar 4, 2008
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Recently I have come to the conclusion that even if you map things out, life will always throw you some curve balls. There are things, such as interpersonal relationships, that you just can't plan out, or expect.

Almost ten years ago, when I was in tenth grade my parents went on vacation for a week and left me at home with a friend of my mothers and her two daughters. The eldest of the daughters, "N," was a senior in high school and one of the coolest girls I had ever met. We soon stuck up a friendship and during that week she took me to a local pub to meet up with her boyfriend and his friends who were there playing some pool. I remember the first time I saw "JZ" I was instantly smitten, but of course the impossibility of anything ever happening dashed any romantic illusions from my mind. After all he was a senior, oh so handsome and lets not forget the fact that he was "N"s boyfriend. I remember just watching him play pool just standing next to "N" and thinking if only I knew how to play... We hung out a couple of more times that week. When my mother returned home from her trip I never heard from "N" again, but after that I practiced playing almost every day after school and I never did forget JZ's last name. So odd really, rarely do last names start with the letter Z...

Nine years went by, playing pool became a passion, and the memory of how that came to be had faded from my mind. I walk into a huge law school auditorium not knowing what to expect. I sit on the second row closest to the door and slowly the room fills with aspiring future lawyers. I only slightly know the student who sits next to me because outside we spoke over a few cigarettes the fact that we had a common friend. The professor at the front begins a massive roll call, there are well over 70 students in the auditorium. His voice fades until the end when he says that name that starts with Z, and the guy sitting in front of me answers...

Suddenly the memories start to re-appear. During that week we spoke and acknowledged the fact that we knew each other and when that student I slightly knew asked me if I thought I could ever be interested in anyone in the class my answer was JZ. While now you may be thinking it doesn't seem as impossible, later on that week I run into "N" in the hall. She barely says hi and walks away. It turns out she is a third year student and that they had recently gotten back together. Sooooo, once again any interest just faded away. For some reason if I ran into him we would end up having lunch together and talking, we seemed to enjoy each others company but not in a romantic sense and by the end of first year I truly had no interest whatsoever in that way. He later told me that "N" had stopped talking to me because during that week we hung out, I had been cold and he offered me his sweater and she got jealous and had a huge fight with him.

First semester second year I was faltering heavily in the world of law. Itching to get out not just of law but also a pressured relationship. JZ and I coincide more and more frequently. His relationship with "N" over and my relationship with law coming into an end, were both just lost. Then on the last day of class he looks at me and says "you want to get the fuck out of here and have a beer" at 11:00 am, without thinking it twice I answer yes and thats when our friendship truly began. That day we talked for twelve hours straight, he left my house well after 1:00 am. We had so much in common, but we were on shaky ground. Not knowing what to make of this new found friendship with some mutual attraction we played "the game" where your careful not to get to involved when you have no idea what the other is thinking.

We almost pulled away completely fearing the consequences until one unforeseen day we just dropped all the walls and now were truly just getting to know each other. No plans, no strategies just living the moment enjoying each others company. We kiss but we don't allow it to escalate from there. Because even if we don't think about it, we know its complicated. He just got out of a long term relationship and I need to concentrate on my new studies. We have mentioned those facts but its nice for once not to be concerned about the whole "where is this going." For now we're just sharing this point in time.

Believe me, this is truly refreshing for a change.

The other day we played pool for the first time... I kicked his ass. He later told me that I made him want to start practicing again. I just enjoyed the irony.

God bless the mess ?!?

Feb 28, 2008
2 comments

Once again I feel like a mess, there is no organization in my life. Just a chaos of thoughts. No plans, no whims. just space where there was once slight order. I’m smoking like crazy again, I hate it, but it gives me something to do. If I could just fix one thing I think I could get myself back on track. I just don’t know where to begin. Maybe if I could just start a routine…

This whole studying at night thing is not as great as I thought it would be. I wake up at 1:00 in the afternoon, walk my dogs, eat “breakfast,” take a shower, get dressed and by 4:30 I'm out the door to make it to my class by six because of the damn five o’clock traffic. I stop at Starbucks, grab a latte and wait for like an hour in the parking lot for my class to begin. I get out at 7:59 to rush to my 8:00 class and get out at 10:00 pm exhausted. But since my friends all work or study during the day they usually call to do something or drop by, I always en up going to bed well after 2:00 am in the morning and then repeat… I guess this sounds like a routine, but it’s a fucked up one at that. I don’t have time for myself, much less to clean my apartment or prepare myself some decent food. I need a little zen in my life.

Tomorrow I have to take my brother to a doctors appointment, he’s in town for some sort of sleep monitoring study for his epilepsy (he can’t drive because of it) and afterwards five hour accounting class until 11:00 pm . I have to clean my apartment and get it ready for Saturday nights housewarming party I’m having (I’ve actually been in this place for seven months now but I always kept postponing it) but I also have French lessons that same day from 1:00 pm to 4:00 and the guest start arriving by 8:00. I have no idea how I’m going to pull this all off.

Maybe after this week I’ll have some time to relax and get things back into some sort of order that works for me.

By the way, the title is actually from a tattoo an Italian friend of mine has on his ankle...

Lost once again

Feb 27, 2008
1 comment

When things are going all too well I always dread that they have nowhere else to head but down. I hate having to make decisions because when you change everything in your life by choice you have no one else to blame for the havoc that ensues but yourself. I recently (in december) quit law school. There was a time in my life when I could not picture myself as anything other than a law student, once I began law school I just could picture myself as a lawyer... The only class I really enjoyed was constitutional law, but I enjoy dealing with individuals, not just "cases" so I decided to quit and do an MBA in Human Resources. Its a mayor down grade socially. It just seems like anyone can accomplish a masters in business, I no longer feel like what I do proves my intelligence, not to myself, but to others. I know some will read this and be like "WTF!?!" but I come from a very educated family and all of my friends are either in med school, law school or are engineers. This week I began classes. Its really weird to be back in an actual college. I don't know anyone, and most of my peers just don't seem approachable.

Right now I'm lost... I have no idea what's in store and I'm usually really open to change. Maybe I'm just sick of looking forward to what's in store and ready to have some aspect of my life at least together now.

I need something nice soon... I hate feeling this way, its not my style ;)

The loves of my life.

Feb 21, 2008
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Ever since I was a little girl I've always had pets. I don't know how people can live without them. Here are my two babies, the loves of my life and the reason I look forward to coming home at night... My chihuahua Lucy (named after the Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds") and my pomeranian Emma (named after one of my favorite characters from a Jane Austen novel)

The paths we choose

Feb 20, 2008
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As I stand in darkness at my front door, with a cigarette in my left hand and a glass of champagne in the right I look at the gleaming path that lies before me. The white pavement shines against the dark grass that lay at its sides and it leads perfectly straight towards the main road. As I walk down the path and reach the middle I stop. Behind me is my home, in front is the road, once I hit the road I can either go right or left. The left side quickly turns into a curve and I can’t see what lies ahead of it. The right side is straight but with other roads to the right and left, either way I can’t see where the other choices lead. I can still turn back and go towards my home, and that’s exactly what I do because its safe, it’s cold outside, and it’s late.

That’s where I feel I am right now in my life. In the middle of that straight path with the choice to take the safe route and turn back towards what is known or get on the main road that is bound to be filled with multiple unknown choices. My fear is regret, choosing the wrong path, but either choice I make I must deal with the consequences.

Sometimes I feel I’m two different people. On one hand I am the free spirit who wishes to roam constantly until I find that one free spirited person who will roam with me. On the other hand I am a more traditional being who wishes for a comfortable home with children and a stable life spent with someone just as stable.

Right now I’m 24 soon to be 25, I feel I have made the right choices until now. I’m not married, I have no children and I’m still studying. Right now the sky is the limit and the paths are endless. I haven’t made a choice yet but I feel the choice I make now will determine how the entire rest of my life will play out.

If I choose the safe path, the stable one, then that will be it. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t believe divorce is an answer. Once you get married and have children other lives are at stake along with your own selfish whims, its not just about you anymore therefore your decisions from then on are not just yours.

If I choose the uncertain path then, well everything is unknown. I may meet the proper free spirit to get tied down with in an unconventional way but I may end up roaming for the rest of my life without ever having a place I could call home and in the end, well, end up all alone.

The paths we choose make up what becomes of our lives. Most people can trace their demise to a wrong turn taken. Its hard not to blind oneself in the moment, many are the wrong paths taken out of sheer desperation or curiosity. For now I will return back home, await the sunrise. Because with light we all can see better.