4 posts tagged “life”

So even though Im supposed to be on a diet before my NYC trip, last night I found myself in Condado at 11:00 pm eating at Danny's International Pizzeria. We sat outside enjoying the salty sea air, Sebastian, our waiter, brought us our menu's. They have like 50 different types of pizza plus you can combine ingredients to make your own and Im not talking just about adding any old ham (prosciutto to be exact) ;) So I order a Cosmopolitan (they have a great bar and I feel like getting in a New York mood early) while I browse through pages of the menu, looking at all my options. I look up at my date and ask "so what are you in the mood for" to which he replies "how about cheese?" If I wanted a fucking cheese pizza I could of just ordered some damn Dominoes!!! (I didn't say that out loud of course) I looked up and said "you know I have never tried anchovies before and number 49 looks interesting." It had mozzarella, I think, basil, ham, sun dried tomatoes and anchovies. I asked if he like anchovies to which he responded "the only thing I know about anchovies is that the ninja turtles despised them." Ok so anchovies it is! I ordered, half a 49 and a 46 which was more of a safety yet it had spinach and other stuff that is not just cheese.

There is a moment in your life when you realize that not everyone is like you. There are people who lie, cheat and steal, and just because you’re not like that doesn’t mean that the all so pleasant being in front of you isn’t. Trust… when you’re a child you’re as open as a book. Your life is what you have experienced up until then. If pain is not part of the equation then it’s not taken in to consideration. You take risks only because you’re still unaware of the pain that may ensue. Through trial and error we eventually become cautious, and because human beings fear pain more than the chance of opportunity, you become painfully aware that many of the decisions you make could lead to some sort of pain, be it physical or emotional. The risks all of the sudden become to high and so does the price to we pay. But if we do really learn through trial and error, won’t the errors eventually rise to wellbeing? My mother used to have a pillow that said “Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” So will the errors in our lives eventually lead up to a fuller appreciation of what we have, what we’ve done and what we have gone through? Or will we be so blinded by the error of our ways that regret takes over the triumph of experiencing enough to know?  

Right now I'm sitting around watching "friends" postponing my power yoga... I could also be catching up on my organizational theory class that I have at 6:00 pm... Discipline is something I crave, something I need. I admire those people that can wake up and do everything they had set out to do that day. I want to be one of those people! So last week I quit smoking and at least I have been able to keep that up. Yoga... not so much. Going to class everyday either. Yesterday I stayed home to relax and be by myself for a bit. JZ kind of drilled me for that one, calling it irresponsible. He's right. I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE. 

As I stand in darkness at my front door, with a cigarette in my left hand and a glass of champagne in the right I look at the gleaming path that lies before me. The white pavement shines against the dark grass that lay at its sides and it leads perfectly straight towards the main road. As I walk down the path and reach the middle I stop.  Behind me is my home, in front is the road, once I hit the road I can either go right or left. The left side quickly turns into a curve and I can’t see what lies ahead of it. The right side is straight but with other roads to the right and left, either way I can’t see where the other choices lead. I can still turn back and go towards my home, and that’s exactly what I do because its safe, it’s cold outside, and it’s late.

That’s where I feel I am right now in my life. In the middle of that straight path with the choice to take the safe route and turn back towards what is known or get on the main road that is bound to be filled with multiple unknown choices. My fear is regret, choosing the wrong path, but either choice I make I must deal with the consequences.

Sometimes I feel I’m two different people. On one hand I am the free spirit who wishes to roam constantly until I find that one free spirited person who will roam with me. On the other hand I am a more traditional being who wishes for a comfortable home with children and a stable life spent with someone just as stable.

Right now I’m 24 soon to be 25, I feel I have made the right choices until now. I’m not married, I have no children and I’m still studying. Right now the sky is the limit and the paths are endless. I haven’t made a choice yet but I feel the choice I make now will determine how the entire rest of my life will play out.

If I choose the safe path, the stable one, then  that will be it. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t believe divorce is an answer. Once you get married and have children other lives are at stake along with your own selfish whims, its not just about you anymore therefore your decisions from then on are not just yours.

If I choose the uncertain path then, well everything is unknown. I may meet the proper free spirit to get tied down with in an unconventional way but I may end up roaming for the rest of my life without ever having a place I could call home and in the end, well, end up all alone.

The paths we choose make up what becomes of our lives.  Most people can trace their demise to a wrong turn taken. Its hard not to blind oneself in the moment, many are the wrong paths taken out of sheer desperation or curiosity. For now I will return back home, await the sunrise. Because with light we all can see better.